


213 Things the Rat Patrol Are No Longer Allowed to Do in the Allied Armed Forces:

by upon_a_painted_ocean



Category: The Rat Patrol
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23335444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upon_a_painted_ocean/pseuds/upon_a_painted_ocean
Summary: Precisely what it says on the tin; based on Skippy's List.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	213 Things the Rat Patrol Are No Longer Allowed to Do in the Allied Armed Forces:

213 Things the Rat Patrol Are No Longer Allowed to Do in the Allied Armed Forces:

  1. “Spreading alarm and despondency” is not a recognized tactic in training manuals and is not recognized as such in reports to commanding officers.



  1. Sleeping in the mess-tent in order to be first in line for breakfast is not permitted.



  1. Receiving a package of comic books does not entitle you to leave to “catch up on your reading”.



  1. Pvt Pettigrew is not allowed to raise litters of kittens under his (or anyone’s) cot.



  1. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to bark madly whenever the Captain is addressing the men.



  1. Pvt Pettigrew must get a haircut, even if it tampers with his “Samson-like powers”.



  1. Sgt Samuel Troy may not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if he’s right.



  1. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.



  1. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.



  1. Chewing gum in formation is not allowed, unless Pvt Hitchcock brought enough for everybody.



  1. Chewing gum in formation is not allowed, even if Hitch _did_ bring enough for everybody.



  1. Camouflage body-paint in and of itself is not a uniform.



  1. Military personnel may not conduct archaeological digs on government time, or using government property.



  1. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”



  1. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to any patrol-member.



  1. The construction of illegal stills using government property is forbidden.



  1. Even if it is a “very patriotic still”, proceeds of which are used to buy war-bonds.



  1. Must not start any reports with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”



  1. “Dear Dorothy Dix…” is also an unacceptable beginning to any official report.



  1. May not challenge anyone in the chain of command to the “field of honor”. Defending one’s doctoral dissertation is not acceptable grounds for a duel.



  1. Sergeants should not be referred to as “Mom” in front of superior officers.



  1. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks. [even if that material is Sgt. Troy]



  1. Sgt Moffitt should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in German, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases. Nor any other language.



  1. Hide-and-seek is not authorised calisthenics.



  1. The proper way to report to the Commander is “Sgts Troy and Moffitt reporting as ordered, Sir” not “We can explain everything.”



  1. The following items do not exist: striped paint; keys to the mess tent; Finnegan pin for the muffler gear, dehydrated water, or sand-proof boots.



  1. No, the pants are not optional.



  1. The chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination, to hear about what we did with six boxes of liquorice bootlaces.



  1. When operating a military vehicle, personnel may _not_ attempt something “I saw Buster Keaton do once in a movie”.



  1. Roasting marshmallows is not conducive to guard duty.



  1. None of the patrol members is allowed to sing “My Name is Yon Yonson” to the 86th verse ever again.



  1. Nor even to Verse 2.



  1. The Captain is not interested in why we “just happen” to have fishing poles and tackle, a box of firecrackers, the rear half of a pantomime horse, and forty packets of Jello in the back of the jeeps.



  1. The base mechanics’ time is valuable and not to be wasted with nonsense maintenance requests, including but not limited to: “left wing flaps sticking”, “horn produces unsatisfying sound; please replace with one of the ones that goes ‘aoooga’”, “current paintjob uninspiring, request something flashy like dazzle camouflage”.



  1. Pvt Mark Hitchcock is no longer allowed to get shot.




End file.
